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“We heart hygienists. NOT!” says P&G

March 22, 2014 By Trish Walraven 15 Comments

 

this is not actually Dr. Smiley McHappypants

Don’t you love it when corporations pretend to listen to criticism, act like they care about the concerns of consumers, make empty promises? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

In light of all the flak that Procter & Gamble has received in response to our previous entry about plastic in Crest toothpaste that has seen a GINORMOUS readership (thank you to all the hygienists who have been alarmed and continue to share the story!) I thought it might be fun to imagine what the company REALLY would like to say to all of us who are creating a nuisance for them.

 

 From the desk of Dr. Smiley McHappypants, DDS
 VP Global, Professional and Scientific Relations
 Procter & Gamble
 8700 S Mason Montgomery Rd
 Mason, OH 45040

To every primadonna dental hygienist,

Here you go again, making a big deal out of nothing. We’re not ignoring the fact that you exist this time, and apparently in our marketing efforts we should have. As an example, here’s the latest Crest TV ad that you’re complaining about:

What is your F*&#ing problem? The actress says her hygienist is awesome, right? Look, we’re agreeing with so many of you who think your dentist is an idiot because they can’t tell whether or not patients have even had their teeth cleaned yet. What’s so insulting about that? Yet over and over, we get requests to take this off the air. Not gonna happen. We have too much money invested in this product line and these advertising spots to worry about what a bunch of worthless tooth-scrapers think.

Yes, I called you a tooth scraper. That’s what we think of you. Your purpose in life is to nag and torment patients. And you whine and complain when we try to OUT YOU for who you really are! We spent more than your lifetime earnings warning consumers about your evil ways with magazine ads like this one:


Escapescrape
So what if we get constant complaints that the ingredients in the Pro-Health products actually contribute to stain and require MORE scraping?


prohealthstain
Since we’re big and organized, and you are small and diffuse, you can share photos like this one all you want, but it won’t matter. You don’t have the resources to keep Procter & Gamble from increasing the bottom line for our stakeholders. Maybe it’s just all one sick joke that we’re pulling over on patients and hygienists alike. Naw, that would be over the top. The truth is that we really don’t give a $h!† what you think.

Which brings us to this latest overreaction of yours. Hello? There’s plastic in EVERYTHING! What’s the problem with pretty polyethylene confetti in toothpaste? After all, if your patients swallow it, just tell them to poop. It’ll go away, like fiber. That’s our official line. Plastic is the same as dietary fiber!

When we tested our latest toothpastes, you know, the ones with the new, vibrant names? Be Adventurous? Be Inspired? Be Dynamic? We had many focus groups try the products and they loved them. No one even questioned the plastic. Granted, we didn’t actually tell the users what it was, but since none of them were crunchy granola tree-huggers we didn’t figure they would care. The brown, green, and yellow specks are an important part of the “total product experience.” We want our stakeholders to be happy, and they like the way the unique colors give the toothpaste an exciting aura. It’s all about the feeling, you know.

BEcolorexamples

And those specks getting stuck under the gums? Well, honey, it’s your word against ours. We have study after study that proves that plastic doesn’t harm us. Even though the FDA doesn’t specifically approve plastic in toothpaste, it doesn’t ban it either. So there. Just deal with it until we re-tool the plastic-speck-making machine. We’re planning on replacing the plastic with a suitable alternative, that’s what we’ve told you, but it’s on our own timetable. Bottom line, you can push and push, but there is NO WAY IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL THAT WE WILL BE REMOVING ANY TOOTHPASTE FROM RETAIL SHELVES.

Now back the F*#% off. You have no idea who you are dealing with.

Sincerely,
Dr. Smiley McHappypants, DDS

In reality, Procter and Gamble has not yet released an official statement about the plastic, but they have been quietly assuaging fears on an individual basis and have informed Crest representatives to state that their products are safe. As for me? I still can’t find a compelling reason to ignore polyethylene when I am still finding it in patient’s gumlines, and have now seen reports from HUNDREDS of dental hygienists who are just now “connecting the dots.”

And sometimes, well sometimes you just have to connect all the dots by melting them down into masses of brown stuff that smell like scorched Wal-Mart bags:

beadventurous7
Poop, indeed.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: dental hygienists, Procter & Gamble, toothpaste advertisement, toothpastes that contain plastic

About

DentalBuzz explores rising trends in dentistry with its own slant. The speed at which new products and ideas enter the dental field can often outpace our ability to understand just exactly the direction in which we are heading. But somehow, by being a little less serious about dentistry and dental care, we might get closer to making sense of it all.

So yeah, a tongue-in-cheek pun would fit really nicely here, but that would be in bad taste. Never mind, it just happened anyways. Stop reading sidebars already and click on some content instead.

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