Bad Hollywood Teeth have been one of the things that REALLY GET UNDER MY SKIN and because I have a place to express it like the swollen fistula that it is.(!)… Well, here we are.
No, I’m not talking about the ones that are NATURALLY bad. This time we’re going to admonish the actors that couldn’t overcome their dentition additions. Watch the videos below to see what I mean.
Do you remember Steven Spielberg’s “Hook?” I do, for the wrong reasons, and while Dustin Hoffman received positive reviews in this role, the way he would press his lower lip on his false teeth made me cringe every time the camera closed in on him.
Emma Thompson’s Nanny McPhee has the same problem, only it’s with a single tooth this time. I know, I know, she’s supposed to look ugly! But does she have to slide her lip under her snaggle so intentionally?
And then there’s the ever-creepy Mad Hatter, endowed with a careless lisp by Johnny Depp.
I actually love that Austin Powers pokes fun at his OWN teeth in this clip, while also emphasizing the need to carry floss and toothpaste into dire situations. Even so, the prosthetics never seem to quite fit in Mike Myers’ mouth.
Not only will you get to see a green (as in young, not as in tree-hugging) Ed Begley Jr. sucking on his fake braces, you to hear one of his best-delivered lines ever. Real Genius is classic 80’s cheese in a yummy Val Kilmer sandwich and this is one of the funniest scenes of the movie.
Next time you see a film where an actor is doing naughty things with his teeth, remember the catharsis you felt when you came here and realized that you weren’t alone with your annoyance, because it reminded you of the reluctant denture patients that really, really need new ones but they let the old ones schlep around in their mouths anyway. And when you feel that feeling again at the movies, be sure to come back here and share it so that it can be featured in a future article.
Don’t know about you, but I feel like someone should prescribe me an antibiotic after all this squeezing.
• John Henry “Doc” Holliday: You may remember Doc Holliday for his friendship with Wyatt Earp and their famous gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but Holliday was actually a dentist who was trained in Pennsylvania and developed a booming little practice in Atlanta. After a short time, Holliday contracted tuberculosis and he was forced to leave his practice and move out West, where the rest is, well…history.
• Zane Grey: If you’re a fan of Western novels, then you’re no stranger to the name Zane Grey. Before writing over 80 books, Pearl Zane Grey was a practicing dentist in New York. Unfortunately, his love for dentistry decayed and he quickly abandoned the field when he became a published author. The lackluster Pearl went on to be one of history’s first millionaire authors. We can only hope none of his patients ever felt pangs while at the dental clinic as he did.
• Miles Henry Davis: The father of Miles Davis, who is arguably one of the most famous and influential musicians of the last hundred years, was actually a dentist. While we’re not sure whether Miles Jr. was ever tempted to go into his dad’s profession, we’re glad he didn’t. Miles Sr. bought his son his first trumpet when he was a small boy.
• Paul Revere: This famous Revolutionary War hero made a midnight ride just before the battles of Concord and Lexington to warn people that, “The British are coming! The British are coming!” If he were advertising his day job, he might just as easily called out, “The dentist is coming! The dentist is coming!” Revere was a skilled silversmith who also advertised his services as a dentist and was known for making false teeth for his patients.