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Dream patient of the week

January 24, 2012 By Eva Watson 4 Comments

Remember that oath we took at graduation? I remember that oath. I swore, along with my classmates, that I would carry out the very best dental care to any and all patients who sat in my operatory chair; regardless of gender, race, or socioeconomic status, I promised to give everyone the best treatment I could.

I also remember wanting to hurl myself into the bathroom. The speech I had to give moments before gave me nervous diarrhea really bad.

We have our clinical side. Then we have our human side. The clinical side is a given: do what we were trained to do. My human side? A bit more personal. I tend to muse about extra-special people that I would give anything to have in my chair. Anything. Just once. And it’s because of their gender, race, SES, political ideology, etc., that I must perform my titillating hygiene duties on them.

We all have our idiosyncrasies. My OCD compels me to share mine. Hee-heeee!

Dream Patient of the Week: Steven Colbert

Mr. Colbert, if there’s any chance you accidentally enter this site while surfing the internets for plaque-disrupting inspiration, I would like you to know that I love you. Every American-y, flag-waving inch of you. I adore you. Are you tall? I like tall. You appear taller than John Stewart. I also like suits. You wear a lot of suits. I like that. And I’m not crazy. My husband tolerates me just fine. He’s just playing Skyrim again.

I love your smile. I love the way you single me out and point that finger at me when you’re in my television. I love your ties, your glasses, and your opening-credit eagle that swoops into my face and shrieks hello. That eagle looks like it’s gonna fly right into me. Here it comes–  wheeeee!  I like that eagle.

I will also state the obvious: I love your teeth.

Let me see those patriotic beauties- oh! There they are. I don’t care how much calculus is on them. I love every one of your teeth equally. If you had the blackest, most tenacious chunks of bad boy tartar stuck to every inch of enamel in your mouth, I would still love you. That’s not strange, Mr. Colbert. That’s dedication. All I ask is for the chance to have you lay waaaay back on my USA-made operatory dental chair while I give you such a stone-cold, subgingival scaling it will flip your cyclopean Super PAC, baby.

And, after I gently marinate your inflamed gums with a superfreaky course of chlorhexidine gluconate, I would like to hold your hands and teach you how to floss… properly. That’s right.

In closing, I would appreciate an opportunity to express my respect and admiration of your brain… because it’s silly. You have a silly brain.

Filed Under: Fun, Humor Tagged With: dental humor, dental hygiene, Fun, humor

Comments

  1. Trish says

    January 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Steven Colbert is either really humble in person or really arrogant. Which one of those personas come out when he’s getting his teeth cleaned? I’m with you – would love to know 🙂

    Reply
  2. Eva says

    January 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Me, too. Let’s harass the producers at The Colbert Report and have them tell him he’s got perio breath and needs to travel immediately to Chicago to have a prophy. Or Texas.

    Reply
  3. Robert Milton says

    February 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Yes, get Colbert to Texas! 🙂

    Reply
  4. Mydent International says

    February 17, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Great dental humor post, please add more!

    Reply

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DentalBuzz explores rising trends in dentistry with its own slant. The speed at which new products and ideas enter the dental field can often outpace our ability to understand just exactly the direction in which we are heading. But somehow, by being a little less serious about dentistry and dental care, we might get closer to making sense of it all.

So yeah, a tongue-in-cheek pun would fit really nicely here, but that would be in bad taste. Never mind, it just happened anyways. Stop reading sidebars already and click on some content instead.

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