Remember that oath we took at graduation? I remember that oath. I swore, along with my classmates, that I would carry out the very best dental care to any and all patients who sat in my operatory chair; regardless of gender, race, or socioeconomic status, I promised to give everyone the best treatment I could.

I also remember wanting to hurl myself into the bathroom. The speech I had to give moments before gave me nervous diarrhea really bad.

We have our clinical side. Then we have our human side. The clinical side is a given: do what we were trained to do. My human side? A bit more personal. I tend to muse about extra-special people that I would give anything to have in my chair. Anything. Just once. And it’s because of their gender, race, SES, political ideology, etc., that I must perform my titillating hygiene duties on them.

We all have our idiosyncrasies. My OCD compels me to share mine. Hee-heeee!

Dream Patient of the Week: Steven Colbert

Mr. Colbert, if there’s any chance you accidentally enter this site while surfing the internets for plaque-disrupting inspiration, I would like you to know that I love you. Every American-y, flag-waving inch of you. I adore you. Are you tall? I like tall. You appear taller than John Stewart. I also like suits. You wear a lot of suits. I like that. And I’m not crazy. My husband tolerates me just fine. He’s just playing Skyrim again.

I love your smile. I love the way you single me out and point that finger at me when you’re in my television. I love your ties, your glasses, and your opening-credit eagle that swoops into my face and shrieks hello. That eagle looks like it’s gonna fly right into me. Here it comes–  wheeeee!  I like that eagle.

I will also state the obvious: I love your teeth.

Let me see those patriotic beauties- oh! There they are. I don’t care how much calculus is on them. I love every one of your teeth equally. If you had the blackest, most tenacious chunks of bad boy tartar stuck to every inch of enamel in your mouth, I would still love you. That’s not strange, Mr. Colbert. That’s dedication. All I ask is for the chance to have you lay waaaay back on my USA-made operatory dental chair while I give you such a stone-cold, subgingival scaling it will flip your cyclopean Super PAC, baby.

And, after I gently marinate your inflamed gums with a superfreaky course of chlorhexidine gluconate, I would like to hold your hands and teach you how to floss… properly. That’s right.

In closing, I would appreciate an opportunity to express my respect and admiration of your brain… because it’s silly. You have a silly brain.

by Eva Watson

Bored with Dental Hygiene?

Enter an exciting, new career as an International Companion!

Hello and welcome!  My name is Sophia Arrapato and I am the founder and CEO of ‘Italiano Scortares’, a Trans global company dedicated to servicing the needs of our exclusive clientele.

As a previous dental hygienist, I have treated many patients for over twenty years.  After my 18^th year of removing plaque and calculus, I eagerly wanted to pursue a new career as an entrepreneur, specializing in carnal pleasure. It only took less than twenty-four hours to say to myself, “Ho, scoperto!  Sesso!”

It took intense market research and interviewing countless women, but I officially opened my doors in 2010 and business has been booming!

You will be known as an International Companion for Italiano Scortares, and as such will have the best plastic surgeons at your disposal, an endless array of erotic dancing apparel, and, after completing six weeks of intense training, you will be awarded with your very own Little Black Book. As the CEO of Italiano Scortares, I will screen all prospective clients prior to assignment; I insist on the enduring scruples and respectability I have incorporated into my empire.

 
As a new employee, you will have the honor of training under Nicole Minetti, an Italian dental hygienist, esteemed lap-dancer, and long-time political advisor to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Her experience is vast and hilariously adulterated, so I ask you pay close attention to Ms. Minetti’s teachings and advice. She will guide you through your career and enhance your presence and clientele list here with Italiano Scortares.

I thank you for visiting our website and hope to meet with you soon. Make sure to floss daily!

Questo è amore!

Click on the images and links above to see why dentistry was dragged into this whole sordid saga.

Yes, she’s got a dental supply company backing her, and yes, she’s a little green and looks like she’s trying hard to be obnoxious (which she obviously isn’t), but there’s something about DESIree that is utterly fascinating.

Yesterday brought the unveiling of The DEZIree Show, a “just between us” video blog for dental hygienists. Will she be engaging, relevant, and positively bloom in her fun weekly rants so that her viewers want to share her messages and spirit? Or will this be a failed publicity experiment that a corporation is trying in order to find their place in the social media order?

Currently it could go either way. But you should totally root for DEZIree because she seems worth five minutes of your time per week.