You know how they say whatever you give to the universe, it will come back to you double? I shoulda been more careful….

This all started about a month ago, and it wasn’t even supposed to be a poem; more like silly prose set to music, but one thing led to another and the darn thing practically wrote itself. Not that it’s art in the sense of revealing the true nature of the human condition, but I thought it was pretty funny and so I shared my little ditty, “The Ballet of the Stray Hair” with a friend, who posted it over here at DentalEggs. You should go there, read it, and then continue on with this story.

Back already? Well, then.

A few weeks later, unsolicited, a little limerick popped up in my inbox from a professor at the college where I took my STATE BOARD EXAM! What do I do? I HAVE to publish it, right? Because if I don’t I’ll keep having those nightmares where my instructors find about a bajillion clicks of subgingival calculus and make me repeat my senior year over and over until finally I get to take my board exam and lo and behold the patient’s teeth are caked with green marijuana stain…. Wait, no, actually, that last part really did happen.

In the middle of all this, I was invited to the Townie Meeting, and something that didn’t happen in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It came home as a bug in the back of my brain (it could have been in a worse place, admit it, you thought it!). One of DentalTown’s original masters of meter told me that there were thousands! yes thousands of dental haiku written years ago, almost forgotten behind the cobwebbed threads of the message boards. And I received permission to repost a few of them here.

Hey Universe… thank you?

On to the poetry now.

 (be sure to click the link to see why this limerick’s subject is appropriate)

There practiced a dentist in Maine,
Who worked hard, hard as a train,
Esthetics was his love,
But he forgot to glove,
The Boards took his license again.

Dr. Raghu Puttaiah

These haiku are posted in the order of their original appearance. Think movie credits, but with only one actor. It’s kind of a soliloquy, actually.

OSHA training tape
must review for staff to watch
thrice I fall asleep

patient excited
will fix rotten teeth tuesday
oops forgot check book

open wide I say
the assistant turns to retch
oh god it’s anug

brown nubs, baked bean teeth
patient rinses with pepsi
between cigarettes

Lortab seven please
Ultracet is what you’ll get
no? then there’s the door

a long day for me
tears, red-faced child wants father
refer to pedo

“just so you know Doc,
I don’t like things in my mouth!”
Not even your brush?

your teeth are rotting
hurting, stinking, and all loose
“Can I get them bleached?”

two rough sedations
why did he eat that breakfast?
vomit in the sink

other doc’s patient
MFLI composite
should I steal him? No.

I hate most endo
boring snoring tedious
oh crap! broke a file.

started root canal
paid in full but won’t come back
on mom’s credit card

can you get it out?
well, there’s nothing left but root…
do I need a shot?

why do I do them?
the tooth is buried in bone
sadomasochist

zoom day white excel
left it in my trays too long
teeth are white, but ouch!

silver point canal
retreatment necessary
ultrasonic? yes.

perio abcess
white purulent exudate
debride and Trimox

smoke? get dry socket
I pack some gelfoam in there
maybe it helps some

appointments not kept
what is wrong with these people?
next time I’ll not show

what’s that dark shadow?
it’s peri-implantitis
periodontist

DENTURE PATIENT

This plate doesn’t fit!
he looks at the wall photo
I want ‘em like that!

Immediate teeth
he wanted them yesterday
expects perfection

I don’t understand!
why is this taking so long?
this stuff makes me gag!

my old teeth were fine!
except that they were rotten…
“You should have brushed them”

EXTRACTIONS

cold steel and sunshine
former captive relinquished
clink clank shiny bowl

cotton gauze poultice
damming the flow of red life
platelets, activate

By no means is this collection complete! These were my favorite dental-themed haiku, and even though I didn’t check them carefully they all seem to follow the traditional 5-7-5 syllable rule. If you adored these like I do and want more from those who haven’t given me permission to share, go on over to this DentalTown thread, become a member if you haven’t already, enjoy the sometimes poignant ramblings of a bygone time, maybe even hold a revival and start a new poetry post if you’re inspired thusly.

And I promise, no more poems about hair from me!

Now… don’t let the title of this piece make you cower into your stinky underpants drawer.

My intention is to simply explain the importance of why you lovely patients must floss your teeth.  After seven years of clinical experience and seeing the outcome of a non-flossing lifestyle, my hope is that those reading this highly important dental topic will gain the vital understanding of flossing and how gum disease will affect your life.

Let’s start by me asking for your full attention by you getting your crusty, Starbucks-stained teeth out of your $8.00 latte you really can’t afford but feel the urge to economically consume every, single morning before you go to your soon-to-be outsourced job that just increased your dental insurance premium for a minute because here’s what I have to tell you.

Are you ready?  Good.

If you don’t floss your gums will become a festering, disease-ridden, smorgasbord of unrelenting bacteria that will ultimately make your gingivae bleed in buckets every, single day of your life.  If you don’t floss your gums you will spend thousands (I’m not kidding) of dollars to simply control the incurable disease (and it is a disease) that you have let build up over years and years of utter neglect.

Exudate will ooze out from underneath your gums and after questioning by the clinical professional (How YOU doin’?) the finding(s) will be defined as ‘asymptomatic’.  That is, you will feel no pain.  What you will feel is the false sense of dental health with the perpetual lie you keep telling yourself when you think, “It doesn’t hurt,” while the blood-filled pus continues to bubble and percolate underneath your gums.

Allow me to continue.

Your social life will remain that of the lonely-lived bachelor/bachelorette whose breath completely, I mean, completely reeks so intensely, you will have no realistic chance of any dating prospects.  You will continue to waste money on the premium whitening kits at your local store to give off the illusion of a healthy mouth in the hopes of attracting a mate.  Your highly offensive, (Not  joking. It’s awful.) metallic-smelling breath from your lack of flossing is so oppressive no one will want to kiss you nor come within five feet of you.  (Yes.  The odor is that strong.)  And we can still smell it through the masks we wear.  Sorry.

Once your teeth become mobile, or loose, from the lack of flossing and the prolific bacteria eating away at your bone that supports your teeth, then, and only then, will you notice and mention the finding to your dentist and/or dental hygienist. (Hey, that’s me!)  You will hear the word ‘unsalvageable’.  You may even hear the word ‘hopeless’.  That means your loose tooth/teeth will have to be pulled out from your rotting mouth because you were lazy and didn’t floss.

You’ve just lost your tooth… which could have been prevented if you only had used that little piece of string.

Sleep tight.

One of my favorite dental blogs is the AGD’s The Daily Grind, with today’s post by Scott Jackson, DMD, MAGD sticking up like a wonderful, poignant nail that wants its head to be hit by this hammer of humor awareness. BAM! BAM! BAM!

In the midst of savoring life, Scott has also realized that textual shortcuts just might be the future of communicating in his dental practice, and so has offered up a few acronymic suggestions to ease the conversations in your office as well:

IGS……..I’m going to scream
WWIT…….What was I thinking?
DAPDA……Dog ate patient’s denture again
LCNHLTP….Lab case not here, lie to patient
IHDD…….I hate doing dentures
INAV…….I need a vacation
CTOSN……Call the oral surgeon, NOW!
IPTDS……I perforated the darn sinus
YAIOTP…..Your attorney is on the phone
INAGOW…..I need a glass of wine
SMAY…….Staff mad at you

There’s more!!!! but you’ll have to go here to read them, because that’s just how it works, this blogger thing. Borrow a few and it’s teasing and plugging. Take ‘em all and it’s stealing. And if you have a hammer, well, aren’t you just supposed to hit nails on their heads when they make you smile with dental humorosity?

I now feel the urge to add a witty acronym of my own, but it would probably be something suckie uppie like:

SWTB……Scott writes them better.