by Eva Watson

Notable people are not of this earth; they are quintessentially, superhero-perfect in every way.  From their sparkly, alien eyes to their effervescent way they secretly speak to us through television, film, books and music, their aura of mesmerizing personalities and fan-stalking abilities truly places them on a much higher plane of being.  They are alluring.  They are special.

And most would not give me the time of day.

But I must be able to touch the divine; I must know about their teeth.

William Jablonsky, professor of English at Loras College and author of The Indestructible Man (Livingston Press) and his most recent novel, The Clockwork Man (Medallion Press), granted me permission to briefly ask about his oral health regimen and his thoughts on electric toothbrushes.

DB: Why is oral health important to you?

WJ: Primarily because I don’t want to look like a stereotypical Englishman, nor to have breath that can peel the chrome off a trailer.

DB: If you had to choose between flossing in the morning or night which would you choose and why?

WJ: I feel fortunate that I do not have to choose, but if I did, the morning, simply because that’s when I’d actually be thinking about it.

DB: What would be the ultimate feature of an electric toothbrush?

WJ: One that has a built-in Taser. I prefer my methods of self-defense to be non-lethal.

DB: What would be the best tasting toothpaste ever?

WJ: Chicken tikka masala-flavored toothpaste. No one would buy it but me, but I’d buy all of it.

Why the toothpaste industry hasn’t begun to develop alternative-flavored toothpaste is a mystery to me, but clearly, huge changes are needed to meet the demand for those who desire the dentifrice, taste sensation that is meat.

by Eva Watson

Dentistry is funny.  Regardless of what any professional in the industry or dental patient states, this business is a bounty of hilarity. Then, again, others think me a bit “off”.

I recently met and interviewed (via email) Dr. Dan Greenstein, AKA ‘”Dr. Dan” of Boca Raton, Florida. A practicing GP, stand-up comic, and musician, Dr. Dan has been drilling and making the dental industry laugh since 1989. His CD titled “Spit Happens!” offers a collection of dentally–inspired songs like:
If I Was In Hygiene
Percodan
The Cancellation Blues
and other clever tunes. Dr. Dan’s live show is an onslaught of jokes and insight about the daily life of the dental practices we work in and pull our collective hairs out over. Check him out at: http://www.tonguencheek.com/pages/home.html.

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by Trish Walraven

You’re a dental professional, you want to do your job well, accomplish a task and then move on to the next one. But there’s one critical thing that can make or break you, no matter how excellent your clinical skills are: you must also speak to the subject of your work.

Duh, talking about patients here! They’re your subject, and they expect to have somewhat of a conversation with you. You must use words to initiate your job, and a few to end it as you leave. Otherwise you’ll look like an assembly-line worker that’s too good to talk to the product. Hey, Doritos. You’re going into that bag nicely. Thanks for the job security.

So you create little lines here and there that you find yourself repeating to Mrs. Graham, Mr. Burgess, little Jacob. Hi, how’s it going? What concerns are you having? We’re going to lay you back now.

Eventually patients are able to pick up on the fact that you’ve turned a phrase hundreds of times, said it to hundreds of people. That’s when your assistant cringes because those stale words sound like the flight attendant talking about the mask that will drop down out of the ceiling if heaven breaks loose and descends into the airplane cabin. Sheesh. You’re just trying to fix a tooth here.

If you can’t get a personality transplant (which I did once and it was great at first, but then my old personality got bored and ate it), then your other alternative is to ditch the worn-out words and get new ones! Might I suggest trying on a few of these to make a change in your patient rapport:

•Dude, what’s your problem? Just kidding, it’s right here in the schedule.

•You’re going to feel a little mosquito-bite with this injection, and then its momma will be by to bite you GOOD!

•Alright, now turn to the left and cough.

•So what’s going on in your life that you’re too stressed to talk about? Don’t tell me about anything fun or interesting, that’s too easy.

•Hole La. May yammo ace Doctor Bacon. Day donday ace el dough lore? (Say this to everyone, even if they don’t speak Spanish. Or even if your last name isn’t Bacon.)

•Tell me, what hole do you want to have filled today?

•Uh oh, 15 minutes to Judge Wapner.

•(singing this song as you lower the chair): Baby going down down down down down.

•You say you’d rather be at the OBGYN than at the dentist office? Well make up your mind so that I can shine this light in the right place.

•See you in six months, or whenever you work up the courage to come back.

•Well that was easy. For me, at least.

Now it’s your turn. I’m sure you’ve heard colleagues use phrases that make you grit your teeth every time you hear them. With all anonymity please share yours in the comment section below. Words are powerful, even ones that are tossed around long after they’re worn out.

So what phrases are you tired of hearing? Which ones crack you up?