Remember that oath we took at graduation? I remember that oath. I swore, along with my classmates, that I would carry out the very best dental care to any and all patients who sat in my operatory chair; regardless of gender, race, or socioeconomic status, I promised to give everyone the best treatment I could.

I also remember wanting to hurl myself into the bathroom. The speech I had to give moments before gave me nervous diarrhea really bad.

We have our clinical side. Then we have our human side. The clinical side is a given: do what we were trained to do. My human side? A bit more personal. I tend to muse about extra-special people that I would give anything to have in my chair. Anything. Just once. And it’s because of their gender, race, SES, political ideology, etc., that I must perform my titillating hygiene duties on them.

We all have our idiosyncrasies. My OCD compels me to share mine. Hee-heeee!

Dream Patient of the Week: Steven Colbert

Mr. Colbert, if there’s any chance you accidentally enter this site while surfing the internets for plaque-disrupting inspiration, I would like you to know that I love you. Every American-y, flag-waving inch of you. I adore you. Are you tall? I like tall. You appear taller than John Stewart. I also like suits. You wear a lot of suits. I like that. And I’m not crazy. My husband tolerates me just fine. He’s just playing Skyrim again.

I love your smile. I love the way you single me out and point that finger at me when you’re in my television. I love your ties, your glasses, and your opening-credit eagle that swoops into my face and shrieks hello. That eagle looks like it’s gonna fly right into me. Here it comes–  wheeeee!  I like that eagle.

I will also state the obvious: I love your teeth.

Let me see those patriotic beauties- oh! There they are. I don’t care how much calculus is on them. I love every one of your teeth equally. If you had the blackest, most tenacious chunks of bad boy tartar stuck to every inch of enamel in your mouth, I would still love you. That’s not strange, Mr. Colbert. That’s dedication. All I ask is for the chance to have you lay waaaay back on my USA-made operatory dental chair while I give you such a stone-cold, subgingival scaling it will flip your cyclopean Super PAC, baby.

And, after I gently marinate your inflamed gums with a superfreaky course of chlorhexidine gluconate, I would like to hold your hands and teach you how to floss… properly. That’s right.

In closing, I would appreciate an opportunity to express my respect and admiration of your brain… because it’s silly. You have a silly brain.

Sometimes the best marketing angle is happened upon by accident. Today I just fell in love with the women of this dental practice because they were brave enough to post this “outtakes” video on their practice website. See what I mean:

Want an eye-opener for contrast? Go to the full website and browse through the “real” videos sprinkled along their page tops. I’m sorry, but they’re flat. Where did the real personalities go? Now they just look and sound like any other dental team that’s going all “flaming logo” with their online presence.

This is proof that we all can ditch some of the formality and instead take a side turn down spontaneous lane. If you have that spark of fun in your office, let it show. Big. Bigger. You are awesome, remember?

And save some of that high-end tech for your dental equipment.

For the most part, the American Dental Association meeting in Las Vegas this past week was a dignified, educational, and exciting exhibition. On the other hand, this article is dedicated to some of the stuff that didn’t go over so well.

Exhibit No. 1: Booth Babes

Really? If this is what it takes to sell your dental products, you probably need better products. Hot girls are nice and all, but you seem to have forgotten that half of dentists these days are women themselves.

Exhibit No. 2: Excessive use of color

I get it already. But yellow is the least of the problems here.

Exhibit No. 3: Roll it, don’t fold it

When you only have one thing hanging up at your booth, you really should make sure that thing isn’t creased and messy-looking.

Exhibit No. 4: Voyeurism

An interproximally wedged bit of corned beef begged me to visit the Sonicare AirFloss demo after lunch, and of course I’d been wanting to try it out ever since its preview here at DentalBuzz. What I didn’t realize was that a bunch of people would be peeking their heads around the corner from the sinks while I shot microbursts between my teeth.

Exhibit No. 5: You look stupid

There’s two ways to get into this group. If you’re getting paid to look like a fool, hey, in this economy, at least you have a job!  And then there’s the second way, which proves that paper crowns should only be passed out to small children at Burger King.

Exhibit No. 6: Pretentious company names

But the URL was available!!!! Even the kids wearing the orange shirts look skeptical.

Exhibit No. 7: Unpretentious company names

And sometimes you should try harder to come up with a name for your business.

Exhibit No. 8: Pawn Stars

Editing is a reality TV show’s best friend, as evidenced by the Pawn Stars Roadshow held at the ADA meeting.There were the obligatory purchases of dental gold (3.5 ounces for $2,000, on one sale) but for the most part the items that were brought on the stage for appraisal were met with yawns, disinterest, and concerns about authenticity.

One thing’s true though: the reality show’s stars are the real deal. What you see on the History Channel’s number one show is what you get. Not only did pawn shop owner Rick Harrison share his story about how he became the “media whore” that he is today (his words, not mine) and his experiences in the dental chair, we got a glimpse of the real Chumlee Russell when he accidentally fell off the back of the stage. Now I know why there are “I Heart Chumlee” shirts for sale all over Vegas.

Exhibit No. 9: Bad planning

So, you create a display area for a show that’s esthetically pleasing and then JACK IT UP with loud hand-scribbled posters. Either they forgot to offer a show deal or it’s genius marketing to make it look like they’re going out of business and have the BEST SHOW SPECIAL EVER! And what’s with the unapproachable chick stance? Wow, tough sell.

Exhibit No. 10

There’s no exhibit number ten. I just wanted to make fun of this guy again:

Just in case you missed the rash of Chuck Norris facts that Chuck Norris himself loves to cheese about on the talk show circuit, here’s a quick cluster of ‘em written by periodontist and private surgical tutor Anthony Reganato, DDS, MS.

•••••••••••••••••••••••

To me, a “Chuck Norris” implant is not one that is threaded into place with a handpiece.  A “Chuck Norris” implant actually spins the patient around and around until the implant is sitting exactly where it wants to sit…

A “Chuck Norris” implant does not require an osteotomy, anesthesia, flap, or even a patient to be seated in the mouth.

A” Chuck Norris” implant can be immediately placed after roundhouse kicking the bombed-out tooth right out of the mouth.

A” Chuck Norris” implant does not have threads…the outer coating is merely shaking in its boots just knowing that a can of whoop-ass may be unleashed at any time…

A “Chuck Norris” implant provides its own sedation to the patient…no need for drugs or tubes…also provides its own pre-med.

A “Chuck Norris” implant needs only one to be placed for an entire full mouth reconstruction.

A “Chuck Norris” implant can be placed via extra-oral approach and still end up in the ideal prosthetic position.

A “Chuck Norris” implant drives itself to the dental office in a 1965 ‘Vette everyday until it’s finally used…

A “Chuck Norris” implant is prosthetically compatible with every system except Zimmer… “Chuck Norris” implant just don’t play that.

A “Chuck Norris” implant can be inserted upside down and still work just fine.

A “Chuck Norris” implant can cure cancer.

•••••••••••••••••••••••

Now that your ruggedness has been piqued, you’ll want to YouTune here into Anthony’s Reganato Lecture Series and tap, tap deeply into your own inner spring of surgical ChuckNorrisdom.

So what have you seen “Chuck Norris” implants do? How have they helped your patients?

by Trish Walraven

It’s a shame that these commercials, first broadcast during the 2004 Superbowl, were upstaged by Janet Jackson’s “stardom” during the halftime show that day. I thought that it was utterly brilliant marketing, even better than the commercials that went totally silent and you’d have to peek your head around the corner to see why your TV turned off. I mean, this campaign is the epitome of the proof that marketers will do whatever it takes to get your attention.

So if you agree with me that these were the silliest, funnest commercials of the time, especially because secretly you found yourself doing a subconscious ortho workup on the pre-adolescent mess of a dentition, then you now get your chance to revisit them here.

Our little freaky bowler hat hobgoblin is acting shy about showing his jacked-up smile at first. Open please, and bite your back teeth together.


Or just sing for us, okay?




Yes, you have a pepper bar, and you’re cute in a “I can’t unsee that” kind of way. But did you have to go all Sistine Chapel on us?




Note to self: Don’t let smushed up taxidermy specimens wave a pair of scissors around. It’s just creepy. On the other hand, the pirate hat? Wow, perfection.





And our last one. Um, you need to wrap the neck of that guitar with a little gauze if you’re going to clean out his ear.

I was playing these videos very quietly while I was embedding them because it’s a little embarrassing to admit that I have a fondness for these creatures. Like if some of my patients knew that I thought they were funny, maybe they’d think that something was wrong with me because, really, these commercials are just stupid and ugly and have no place in our culture.

Thank goodness for wardrobe malfunctions to take the heat off of Quizno’s for having the audacity to market like this, right?

And I sure hope that the kid whose teeth were used in the making of the commercials got some $$ for braces and is now a poster teen for the AAO.

by Eva Watson

Notable people are not of this earth; they are quintessentially, superhero-perfect in every way.  From their sparkly, alien eyes to their effervescent way they secretly speak to us through television, film, books and music, their aura of mesmerizing personalities and fan-stalking abilities truly places them on a much higher plane of being.  They are alluring.  They are special.

And most would not give me the time of day.

But I must be able to touch the divine; I must know about their teeth.

William Jablonsky, professor of English at Loras College and author of The Indestructible Man (Livingston Press) and his most recent novel, The Clockwork Man (Medallion Press), granted me permission to briefly ask about his oral health regimen and his thoughts on electric toothbrushes.

DB: Why is oral health important to you?

WJ: Primarily because I don’t want to look like a stereotypical Englishman, nor to have breath that can peel the chrome off a trailer.

DB: If you had to choose between flossing in the morning or night which would you choose and why?

WJ: I feel fortunate that I do not have to choose, but if I did, the morning, simply because that’s when I’d actually be thinking about it.

DB: What would be the ultimate feature of an electric toothbrush?

WJ: One that has a built-in Taser. I prefer my methods of self-defense to be non-lethal.

DB: What would be the best tasting toothpaste ever?

WJ: Chicken tikka masala-flavored toothpaste. No one would buy it but me, but I’d buy all of it.

Why the toothpaste industry hasn’t begun to develop alternative-flavored toothpaste is a mystery to me, but clearly, huge changes are needed to meet the demand for those who desire the dentifrice, taste sensation that is meat.

by Eva Watson

Dentistry is funny.  Regardless of what any professional in the industry or dental patient states, this business is a bounty of hilarity. Then, again, others think me a bit “off”.

I recently met and interviewed (via email) Dr. Dan Greenstein, AKA ‘”Dr. Dan” of Boca Raton, Florida. A practicing GP, stand-up comic, and musician, Dr. Dan has been drilling and making the dental industry laugh since 1989. His CD titled “Spit Happens!” offers a collection of dentally–inspired songs like:
If I Was In Hygiene
Percodan
The Cancellation Blues
and other clever tunes. Dr. Dan’s live show is an onslaught of jokes and insight about the daily life of the dental practices we work in and pull our collective hairs out over. Check him out at: http://www.tonguencheek.com/pages/home.html.

DB: Your harmonica skills are quite exceptional.  Did you learn to play in dental school?

DD: I grew up playing the piano and clarinet, both of which I still play. The harmonica I picked up only in the last 15 years, and I’m really not very good at it. The Piano Man bit just makes me sound like I know what I’m doing…it’s actually a simple riff but thanks for the “props”.

DB: Did you ever break out your harmonica while a patient is in the chair? That would be so unexpected, not to mention brilliant.

DD: Nope, never considered playing the harmonica at work.

DB: Have any of your patients checked out your live performances or are they for those in the dental field?

DD: Some have but my act is really for those that are in the business. I’m only getting paid when I’m performing for dental groups!

DB: Your show is hilarious. I especially dig the musical numbers. Do the tunes come to you during treatment time with patients?

DD: Yes. Often, I hear a song and realize that it will work perfectly with what I’m doing. I do get the light bulb/epiphany reaction while I’m treating patients.

DB: Really? That’s some creative multi-tasking; some may say a sign of genius.

DD: Wow. I’m liking you more with EVERY email!! LOL
I actually had a rough year. Out of the blue…I had triple bypass surgery at the end of February. No joke.
I never smoked even one cigarette, was on Lipitor for years, ate organic oatmeal, haven’t had a big mac in 25 years and it still happened to me. I was out of work for 2 months despite doing all the right things to take care of myself. Now, I’m gonna start smoking 2 packs a day, eat pizza and hang out with Anthony Weiner and Enjoy LIFE! Dentistry is a killer, so any nice things that someone can say about my comedy is very rewarding.

This guy’s a dentist, business owner, comic, musician, and now heart disease survivor. He’s a freaking champion!  Obviously, he must have some secret knowledge, some worldly guidance he can offer the dental community.

DB: Any advice you can give to dental practices in today’s economy?

DD: My suggestion for survival in today’s economy is to marry an ORTHODONTIST!

See?  He’s a superhero!

Actually it’s the pretend dialogue that’ll get you giggling about the silliness of small talk. Be sure to turn your speakers up:

Have you seen the most recent ad about electric vehicles, namely the Leaf? Hey, Nissan, the sedation dentists of the world thank you once again for reinforcing patient fears in an original way that also serves your agenda.

by Trish Walraven

You’re a dental professional, you want to do your job well, accomplish a task and then move on to the next one. But there’s one critical thing that can make or break you, no matter how excellent your clinical skills are: you must also speak to the subject of your work.

Duh, talking about patients here! They’re your subject, and they expect to have somewhat of a conversation with you. You must use words to initiate your job, and a few to end it as you leave. Otherwise you’ll look like an assembly-line worker that’s too good to talk to the product. Hey, Doritos. You’re going into that bag nicely. Thanks for the job security.

So you create little lines here and there that you find yourself repeating to Mrs. Graham, Mr. Burgess, little Jacob. Hi, how’s it going? What concerns are you having? We’re going to lay you back now.

Eventually patients are able to pick up on the fact that you’ve turned a phrase hundreds of times, said it to hundreds of people. That’s when your assistant cringes because those stale words sound like the flight attendant talking about the mask that will drop down out of the ceiling if heaven breaks loose and descends into the airplane cabin. Sheesh. You’re just trying to fix a tooth here.

If you can’t get a personality transplant (which I did once and it was great at first, but then my old personality got bored and ate it), then your other alternative is to ditch the worn-out words and get new ones! Might I suggest trying on a few of these to make a change in your patient rapport:

•Dude, what’s your problem? Just kidding, it’s right here in the schedule.

•You’re going to feel a little mosquito-bite with this injection, and then its momma will be by to bite you GOOD!

•Alright, now turn to the left and cough.

•So what’s going on in your life that you’re too stressed to talk about? Don’t tell me about anything fun or interesting, that’s too easy.

•Hole La. May yammo ace Doctor Bacon. Day donday ace el dough lore? (Say this to everyone, even if they don’t speak Spanish. Or even if your last name isn’t Bacon.)

•Tell me, what hole do you want to have filled today?

•Uh oh, 15 minutes to Judge Wapner.

•(singing this song as you lower the chair): Baby going down down down down down.

•You say you’d rather be at the OBGYN than at the dentist office? Well make up your mind so that I can shine this light in the right place.

•See you in six months, or whenever you work up the courage to come back.

•Well that was easy. For me, at least.

Now it’s your turn. I’m sure you’ve heard colleagues use phrases that make you grit your teeth every time you hear them. With all anonymity please share yours in the comment section below. Words are powerful, even ones that are tossed around long after they’re worn out.

So what phrases are you tired of hearing? Which ones crack you up?