Working in the dental industry, you can expect your fair share of stress, headaches and professional challenges, but it’s unlikely that your office has an atmosphere that could accurately be described as “sexually charged,” right? Dentists may be many things to many people, but few would call them “sexy” – until now. Word broke in Hollywood this week that none other than Jennifer Aniston is set to play a dentist in the upcoming film Horrible Bosses. That’s right: Brad Pitt’s ex-wife, the former Friend who launched a thousand copycat haircuts, is going to portray one of our own. And not just any dentist, mind you: Ms. Aniston will be playing a dentist whose aggressive sexuality toward her coworkers makes her one of the “horrible bosses” of the movie’s title.

If all of this sounds a little far-fetched to you, take a look at this news story about a dentist from Little Falls, New Jersey who is being sued for sexual harassment by three different members of his staff. The women claim that Dr. David Ulanet made numerous inappropriate comments and unwanted physical advances toward them between 2007 and 2010; in fact, attorney Robert J. Stack sums up the situation rather tidily by claiming that Dr. Ulanet “converted his dental practice into his own sexual playground.” Naturally, the victims deserve justice, and my intentions are not to minimize their plight. Yet the fact that a gorgeous movie star is slated to play a sexually voracious dentist – in a story not far removed from recent headlines – makes one wonder if the entire dental industry isn’t about to undergo a major image change.

Next stop: Desperate Dentists, starring Teri Hatcher? I smell a pilot in the works…

SOURCES:

Jennifer Aniston story (from Entertainment Weekly):
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/06/15/jennifer-aniston-horrible-bosses-aggressive-sexually/

Sexual harassment case involving NJ dentist:
http://www.northjersey.com/news/96632594_Dentist_office_called_sexual_playground_.html

Melissa is a musician and writer from Los Angeles.  She has contributed dental articles to several dental blogs and websites around the web, including Millennium Dental, a cosmetic dentistry practice in Los Angeles famous for its celebrity clients.

This company knows better than to show what a person looks like wearing cheek retractors. But the bald dude in the tradeshow booth just couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and so has inadvertently revealed the eerie side of DIY whitening treatments.

If the silly little LED lights aren’t bad enough, the company has solved the apparent problem of “what to do” for the hour-long treatment process: built-in music headphones for your MP3 player.

Ahh, the fringes of the ZOOM-persuaded target audience make one smile and wince at the same time.  Thanks to Engadget for the help with next year’s Halloween costume.

But that’s not the case today.

The economy has since tanked and the price of gold is higher than ever (currently over $1,100 per ounce). The only one glinting a smile of 14 karats these days is Lady Gaga, and she safely skirts the hip-hop genre by going all Team Edward with vampire fangs.

So when dental gold is out (literally), you can impress your patients with a small token of your appreciation. Take out their gold crowns, inlays, bridges, and then give it to the patient along with a postage-paid envelope.

What’s cool about this deal is where the envelope goes. Not to some shady “Cash4Gold” operation. It goes to a reputable company that will pay your patients back a fair price.

And here comes the best part: Garfield Refining Company is so generous, they’ll give you ten percent for the referral. Don’t be afraid to let your patients know that you’re getting a kickback. They’ll just be happy that you’re not keeping all the dental gold for yourself.

So click this Garfield box on the left to enroll in the Patient Bling Program and get a few envelopes for your office. Nevermind that they still call it the Scrap Program; they just haven’t seen this review yet.

You also might want to look through Dental Products Report’s list of gold refining companies. And in case you were wondering, this is not a paid advertisement. Garfield Refining simply has a great idea that spreads goodwill and makes money for everyone.

For those not clear with the term, this 30 second video is a great example of a controlled gleek:

Fortunately for dental professionals, gleek saliva is essentially sterile when it sprays straight out of the submandibular gland. That doesn’t mean you should shoot back at your patients though – heavens no! we would never suggest such a thing – when they gleek onto your loupes while you’re fighting their tongue with a mouth mirror.

But what about after hours when you don’t have to act professionally? As a wise resource for all things oral, you should be knowledgeable about proper gleeking form. And if you practice these techniques, you’ll soon be able to impress just about everyone under the age of fifteen.

Step One: Concentrating the Saliva

Yawn a couple of times to stimulate saliva production under your tongue. Another way to try and build pressure is to rub the tip or side of your tongue along the sharp cusp tips of your lower teeth. Or you can always try a little something sour in your mouth as a last resort.

Step Two: Visualization

Don’t imagine yourself gleeking, silly! Just get in front of a mirror to see if you’re having any luck.

Step Three: Gleek Technique

Since everyone’s made differently, you’ll need to experiment with these methods to see which one elicits the best response from your little squirt machine.

1. Stick out your mandible as far as you can and press your tongue HARD on the roof of your mouth just behind your central incisors.

2. As you’re flexing your tongue, push your lower jaw out, bring it back and down, breathe in slightly, and bring it hard against the palate. A thin stream will probably come out.

3. Try sucking air under your tongue first before flexing and pressing the roof of your mouth.

It may take you a while to train your submandibular gland to fire at will, so don’t give up. But if you do give up, remember the adage that says: those who cannot do, teach.

And then share your gleekology with the world!   

This is about dental pollution, people. It may be ignored by mainstream science, but this problem is real enough to sell newspapers, magazines, and make you read online articles.

What I’ve Heard About Dental Pollution

Everywhere I go I hear about how it’s not fair that the citizens of cities have no choice about the fluoride in their drinking water. Sure, it makes teeth stronger, but there’s a conspiracy of pollution! And it’s the people who are so poor that they can’t even afford cups, they have to tilt their heads sideways to drink under the sink faucet, they are the ones who get the most fluoride in their bodies.

Does fluoride save lives like chlorine does? Wait, I didn’t say that, because it’s going to sound like I am in favor of putting poisons in the water.

You dentists also are protecting the right to fix the holes in people’s mouths with evil substances. If you drill a tooth and put in a silver filling, you have to make the filling soft with toxic mercury. Why can’t you just heat up the silver and pour it in the cavity?

The high road dentists are no better, with their lady-man BPA-leaching plastic composites. I’d rather gnaw on a Nalgene bottle and take my chances with it than have an oil-slick wedged between my teeth 24/7.  The recent petroleum price increases are nothing compared to the cost in human lives.

The other thing that’s polluting our mouths is lead. There’s been lead found in ceramic/metal crowns. They say these crowns come from China. We like to blame everything on China.  But the real reason that there’s lead coming from the dental labs is because the cheap dentists have forced lab technicians to scavenge for scrap metal by secretly dumpster-diving for X-ray film packets.

My shaman tells me that all the metal he sees in people’s mouths is creating imbalance in their meridians. This pollution is caused by all the various metals sending out galvanic currents, which turns our mouths into electrolyte-driven batteries. It scares me even today when I see that trick with the guy who sticks the end of a lightbulb in his mouth and it turns on. I know he’s dying from galvanic currents just for a laugh.

One more pollutant that is caused by the well-meaning but unenlightened dentists of the world is when they leave a dead tooth in a living mouth. Would you leave a cadaver just laying around with living people? Well, this is just what is done when a dentist fills the root canal of a tooth and just leaves the dead shell of a tooth in place.

I’m no Navajo with my sand art, but I sketched out this modern flow chart to help us understand where all this pollution is leading:

The pollutants are circled in red. Only one treatment is circled in green because it doesn’t involve dental pollution.

With only two choices in life if we find that we need a dentist – a polluted mouth or the totally toothless gums of a baby – all we can do is pray to our ancestors to give us naturally strong, healthy teeth.

My life has been one of ignorance until now. I have been going to the dentist regularly, and have had various pollutants placed in my mouth. I still have all of my teeth and have no ill symptoms from the poisons. Should I be grateful, or should I be worried? Are teeth worth it, in the end?

Six Degrees Of Dental Pollution

Here are various tests that you can either do in your office or send home with patients to make sure that you aren’t polluting their mouths:

Fluoride: http://www.hach.com

Bisphenol-A: http://www.biosense.com

Mercury: http://www.heavymetalstest.com/_hgkit.php

Lead: http://www.zefon.com/store/leadcheck-swabs.html

Galvanic Currents: http://www.biomeridian.com/devices.htm

Root Canal Therapy: http://www.holisticdentist.com/articles/root-canal-treatment.html

I know that this isn’t Keep America Beautiful or any other grand public service announcement, but it’s important for dentists to understand the consequences of their actions. And sorry about the waterworks; you know how pollution is a touchy subject for me.

It is about time that periodontists, oral surgeons, and all dental professionals hear a public apology like this.

Today NPR aired a Fresh Air segment featuring writer David Sedaris. The morbidly fascinating sense of personal maladies that he brings to his humor dwells in a special place in our hearts. Or at least in our noses.

Here’s an excerpt of the 25-minute interview:

Terry Gross:

 “You talked about the boil [on your backside], and you wrote how horrible the stuff that came out of it was; that it smelled like evil that had been trapped in your body. I would like you to reflect on that, feeling like you’d been the host to this stuff.”

David Sedaris: 

“Well, it was my second time when I realized that I was a host to really what had to be the foulest liquid on earth, and it was more horrible than anything, smell-wise. But a couple years ago, when Hugh did lead me to the dentist, who led me to a periodontist, the periodontist cut my gums from top to bottom, and then he lifted them up, and he scraped that very same thing from the roots of my teeth. It smelled just like that.

“And I couldn’t feel a thing because he’d shot me full of Novocaine, so it was this odd sensation and I saw him, you know, sticking a knife into my mouth, and I saw his hand going back and forth, and I knew it, that I could taste blood, and I knew that there was stuff going on in there.

“But it wasn’t until I smelled it, and then, I just said “ Ahh sohhhay,” and what I was saying was “I’m sorry.” I was so sorry that i subjected anybody, it must have cleared the building. And to know that that was just there, hidden, hidden beneath my gumline.”

You can listen to the entire interview at NPR.org.