by Eva Watson
Notable people are not of this earth; they are quintessentially, superhero-perfect in every way. From their sparkly, alien eyes to their effervescent way they secretly speak to us through television, film, books and music, their aura of mesmerizing personalities and fan-stalking abilities truly places them on a much higher plane of being. They are alluring. They are special.
And most would not give me the time of day.
But I must be able to touch the divine; I must know about their teeth.
William Jablonsky, professor of English at Loras College and author of The Indestructible Man (Livingston Press) and his most recent novel, The Clockwork Man (Medallion Press), granted me permission to briefly ask about his oral health regimen and his thoughts on electric toothbrushes.
DB: Why is oral health important to you?
WJ: Primarily because I don’t want to look like a stereotypical Englishman, nor to have breath that can peel the chrome off a trailer.
DB: If you had to choose between flossing in the morning or night which would you choose and why?
WJ: I feel fortunate that I do not have to choose, but if I did, the morning, simply because that’s when I’d actually be thinking about it.
DB: What would be the ultimate feature of an electric toothbrush?
WJ: One that has a built-in Taser. I prefer my methods of self-defense to be non-lethal.
DB: What would be the best tasting toothpaste ever?
WJ: Chicken tikka masala-flavored toothpaste. No one would buy it but me, but I’d buy all of it.
Why the toothpaste industry hasn’t begun to develop alternative-flavored toothpaste is a mystery to me, but clearly, huge changes are needed to meet the demand for those who desire the dentifrice, taste sensation that is meat.
by Eva Watson
Dentistry is funny. Regardless of what any professional in the industry or dental patient states, this business is a bounty of hilarity. Then, again, others think me a bit “off”.
I recently met and interviewed (via email) Dr. Dan Greenstein, AKA ‘”Dr. Dan” of Boca Raton, Florida. A practicing GP, stand-up comic, and musician, Dr. Dan has been drilling and making the dental industry laugh since 1989. His CD titled “Spit Happens!” offers a collection of dentally–inspired songs like:
If I Was In Hygiene
Percodan
The Cancellation Blues
and other clever tunes. Dr. Dan’s live show is an onslaught of jokes and insight about the daily life of the dental practices we work in and pull our collective hairs out over. Check him out at: http://www.tonguencheek.com/pages/home.html.
by Eva Watson
Attention dental patients everywhere:
Feel like that new crown isn’t fitting right? Do you feel it may cause discomfort? Brain hemorrhaging? Death? Well, put that phone down, you silly thing. Your lawyer can wait because June is ‘Don’t Sue Your Dentist’ Awareness Month.
As an act of marginal sympathy, I ask those patients who plan on crushing the livelihoods of their dentists to refrain, for a moment, and search your heart for a modicum of compassion. In the spirit of ‘Don’t Sue Your Dentist’ Awareness Month, I offer latent plaintiffs a poetic gesture of retort on behalf of your dentists. I call this poem, “Oh, Come ON! You Gotta Be F%$@! Kidding Me?!”
Oh, Come ON! You Gotta Be F%$@! Kidding Me?!”
Beyond the reaches of simple men
You further the legions
Of those who wish to harm us
Into the shadows of the Beast
(The Man with the Briefcase)
We shall overturn your
Tortuous hands in our pockets
And fight… fight!
For the putrid, rotting silver in
The mouths of those who wish to
Destroy us was but a step away from
Excavation into Happiness
A porcelain utopia
Awaited those who turned on our Good selves
BEHOLD!
The wrath that disguises itself as
Innocent sufferer is the Devil
In Disguise and I’m bringing you down along with your pandering attorney!
Yeah! Booyah! How do ya like me now? Can’t hear that, you say? I said
I’m gonna countersue you!
I’m gonna Smear your name like a laboratory sample
On a glass slide!
And I’m gonna get your little dog, too!
Alternative Ways You Can Help Your Husband’s Practice
Running a financially solvent and content dental practice is hard work. The challenges of keeping the schedule filled, placating unhappy patients, and ensuring the peace and tranquility between team members are constants that must be adhered to for the greater good of the practice.
None of these responsibilities are taken more seriously than that of the spouses of dentists. These individuals not only have a vested interest in the monetary success of their married dental partners but to better the daily operations and keep ‘the ship sailing smoothly’ as well.
With all of the positive traits and well-meaning leadership dental wives have in mind for their husbands’ offices, there are days, just a tad too many, actually, that your guidance and intentions seem to push the staff’s proverbial ‘button’, so to speak. May I dare say ‘lay the sauce a bit too thick’? If I may be so bold as to offer, ‘Make the employees want to ship you in a box to Africa’?
It’s a difficult pill to swallow, I agree, but I do have some various, and incredibly helpful options, to aid in your demanding role as dental spouse:
Pass out dental office brochures to businesses around a twenty square mile radius, three days a week.
Obviously this will take you away from the practice frequently. Think of it this way – you can hit Neiman Marcus, Restoration Hardware, and schedule appointments with contractors to remodel your kitchen. Just make sure our checks don’t bounce again, okay?
Visit local elementary schools dressed as ‘Rooty! The Giant, Friendly Root Canal Tooth’
I would totally do this myself, but I need to be in the practice so– have fun! There are holes for your arms, but walking may pose a challenge. Oh, and there’s the white stockings and black shoes you have to wear. The staff attached a huge endodontic file to the top of your costume so the little ones understand why root canals are completely awful. Now, the suit gets sweaty and stinky after an hour, so make certain you bring a change of clothes. Come to think of it, you may want to shake it out a few times before you put it on. I thought I saw something crawling in it.
Take some time off
The staff knows you’ve earned it. You come in here, day after day after day, talking and talking, mispronouncing patients’ names then laughing about it, and we just feel like all that hard work deserves some rest and relaxation. In fact, we spoke to the doctor about it at one of the staff meetings. (You were Rooty that day so you missed the meeting.) Anyway, he feels that sending you to a month-long spa getaway is a fantastic idea for your peace of mind and well-being. You’re going to be busy next month – we got a new practice mascot costume for you!
Say hello to ‘Gingie – The Awfully Bloody Gingiva’!
By Eva Watson
There are many things that make me laugh; a pie in the face, the late comedian, Bill Hicks, and my daughter’s tantrums. The list goes on and on. Sometimes all it takes is an utterly sidesplitting headline in the news to force me to use my sick imagination and visuals to the fullest:
Man sues over strip club dental injuries
INDIANAPOLIS, Feb. 27 (UPI) — An Indiana man’s lawsuit for injuries he suffered when a stripper’s shoe flew off during a performance and hit him in the teeth isn’t far-fetched, lawyers say.
Jake Quagliaroli, 34, of Indianapolis sat approximately 20 feet from the stage at PT’s Showclub when the shoe hit him in the face and chipped his front teeth, the Indianapolis Star reported Friday.
Then I just let my imagination soar.
An innocent gentleman is enjoying a harmless show of skin aplenty.
“Oh, yea, baby. Oh, yes. Oh, she’s so fine.” Suddenly…
“INCOMING!!” Thwack!
A ruby red size 9 stiletto socks him in the upper anteriors. The music screeches to a halt, some dude spills his beer, and the guilty stripper, dollar bills jutting out from her G-string, stops in mid gyration to apologize to her most loyal patron.
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?”
The gentleman is covering his mouth, wincing in pain. He’s unable to speak. One minute passes when he finally touches his teeth with his finger.
“You broke my teeth! You frickin’ broke my teeth!”
The stripper hovers over her customer while the remaining male patrons sit closer to the stage and stare at the woman’s twins with sloppy grins on their faces.
“Can we get some ice over here, please?” The woman calls out.
The owner of the club comes out of the bathroom, zipping up his fly.
“What’s going on around here?”
The stripper, arms crossed in front of her, tries to explain herself.
“Remember that move I’ve been working on? It backfired.”
The club owner rolls his eyes. “Are you kidding me?”
“Well, I was wearing different shoes during rehearsal,” replies the dancer.
Then the visual in my head stops rolling as I catch our cat Cheese attempting to take a dump in the hibiscus planter. Lovely.
