Now… don’t let the title of this piece make you cower into your stinky underpants drawer.

My intention is to simply explain the importance of why you lovely patients must floss your teeth.  After seven years of clinical experience and seeing the outcome of a non-flossing lifestyle, my hope is that those reading this highly important dental topic will gain the vital understanding of flossing and how gum disease will affect your life.

Let’s start by me asking for your full attention by you getting your crusty, Starbucks-stained teeth out of your $8.00 latte you really can’t afford but feel the urge to economically consume every, single morning before you go to your soon-to-be outsourced job that just increased your dental insurance premium for a minute because here’s what I have to tell you.

Are you ready?  Good.

If you don’t floss your gums will become a festering, disease-ridden, smorgasbord of unrelenting bacteria that will ultimately make your gingivae bleed in buckets every, single day of your life.  If you don’t floss your gums you will spend thousands (I’m not kidding) of dollars to simply control the incurable disease (and it is a disease) that you have let build up over years and years of utter neglect.

Exudate will ooze out from underneath your gums and after questioning by the clinical professional (How YOU doin’?) the finding(s) will be defined as ‘asymptomatic’.  That is, you will feel no pain.  What you will feel is the false sense of dental health with the perpetual lie you keep telling yourself when you think, “It doesn’t hurt,” while the blood-filled pus continues to bubble and percolate underneath your gums.

Allow me to continue.

Your social life will remain that of the lonely-lived bachelor/bachelorette whose breath completely, I mean, completely reeks so intensely, you will have no realistic chance of any dating prospects.  You will continue to waste money on the premium whitening kits at your local store to give off the illusion of a healthy mouth in the hopes of attracting a mate.  Your highly offensive, (Not  joking. It’s awful.) metallic-smelling breath from your lack of flossing is so oppressive no one will want to kiss you nor come within five feet of you.  (Yes.  The odor is that strong.)  And we can still smell it through the masks we wear.  Sorry.

Once your teeth become mobile, or loose, from the lack of flossing and the prolific bacteria eating away at your bone that supports your teeth, then, and only then, will you notice and mention the finding to your dentist and/or dental hygienist. (Hey, that’s me!)  You will hear the word ‘unsalvageable’.  You may even hear the word ‘hopeless’.  That means your loose tooth/teeth will have to be pulled out from your rotting mouth because you were lazy and didn’t floss.

You’ve just lost your tooth… which could have been prevented if you only had used that little piece of string.

Sleep tight.

The reign of near, unprecedented dental negligence is over; Robert Bates, DDS, the former president of the now-defunct Allcare Dental, has surrendered his dental license to the state of New Hampshire.

http://doj.nh.gov/media-center/press-releases/2012/20120521-bates-dental-license-allcare.htm

This is not a day to rejoice. This is not the time to shake our heads in deep disappointment for a fallen comrade that made monumental and irreversible mistakes. It’s a sad turn of events that warrants important discussion of a man who is no longer a licensed dentist in NH. It’s…

TIME TO GET STUPID! Wheee!

Let’s Find Dr. Bates a New Job!

Elephant Feces Removal Specialist

Oh, come on. It’s just excrement. It’s not like it would be the worst job in the world. Bonding with these creatures and subsequent dung removal from these four-legged friends may be just what the doctor needs. Who knows? Perhaps Dr. Bates may enjoy cleaning up after gigantic animals that dump mammoth quantities of pachyderm poop. Does anyone know if licensure is required for this type of work?

Gingie! The Awfully Bloody Gingiva Traveling Mascot

This role was originally chosen for dental wives (read the previous story here), but the opportunity for the doctor to take part in this jobs program is far too great for him to pass up. The position in simple; don the Gingie costume, in all of its fake blood and erythematous glory, and travel to various elementary schools to teach kids the importance of how utterly neglectful, disease-ridden, and disgusting bloody gums are and the importance of daily flossing. The doctor wouldn’t need any dental materials to pass out to the children. He would just point to himself as a prime example.

Official Door-to-Door Apologizer to Allcare Dental Patients

I would personally oversee this job for the doctor. I want to travel more anyway. See, it would be a cross-country automobile adventure, no doubt, with the kind doctor doing all of the driving. My family and I are on a strict budget so he would have to pay for the cost of gas, meals, lodging, and the twenty-four hour guard surveillance should he try to escape from said job duties. I really like to sing poorly… out loud… so the doctor isn’t allowed to turn on any radio/CD musical choices of any kind to drown out the auditory pain that is my singing. And if he starts to whine, well, it clearly states in the job description ‘emotional outbursts of any kind will be dealt with quickly and firmly’. I haven’t really worked out the specifics of that rule yet but my mind… free. My need for justice for every Allcare dental patient in the thirteen states the doctor has taken advantage of… limitless.

Anyone up for a road trip?

Today is a big day for dental and medical subscribers and their families across our country.

Health Care Reform: Opening Day At The Supreme Court

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/26/health-care-reform-supreme-court_n_1373333.html

The fate of the Affordable Care Act is in the hands of the nine Supreme Court justices of our country. They will discuss and listen to arguments on the bill that went into law just two years ago under President Obama.

These highly educated and important people will have many options to weigh over the course of three days during their debates as the American public awaits the outcome of the healthcare reform law.

As a dental care provider and fellow taxpayer, I kindly ask the current patients in the waiting room to continue to wait a bit more as I move up our nation’s Supreme Court justices in my hygiene schedule to have their teeth scaled immediately. I have vital opinions to share with each judge that simply cannot wait. It won’t take long, however. I shall address all of them in the reception area first to efficiently utilize production time.

Me: “Now, Your Honors- Judge Scalia, please put that magazine down and pay attention.”

Judge Scalia: “But it’s the new People issue. I don’t get this at home.”

Me: “That’s not important. The country’s future- Judge Roberts? That’s totally disgusting.  Get your finger out of your nose.”

Judge Roberts: “But I don’t have any tissue. Alito stole my fanny pack.”

Judge Alito: “I did not! I just borrowed it, ya poopbag.”

Me: “Please, settle down, people. We don’t have time here… where’s Judge Thomas?”

Judge Sotomayor: “He’s in the bathroom- AGAIN! I wouldn’t go in there for awhile.”

Judge Breyer: “You think you’re all that because you went to JLo’s house that one time for a stupid dinner party.”

Judge Sotomayor: “You’re just jealous cus you don’t get invited anywhere.”

Me: “Both of you- stop. There are other patients here tha-”

Judge Kagan: “Excuse, me, Ms. Watson, but Judge Kennedy keeps poking me with his pen.”

Judge Kennedy: “It’s because you won’t move over, Kagan!”

Judge Kagan: “You have more than enough room, Kennedy.  You’re a fartface.”

Me: “Now, stop it!”

Judge Ginsburg: “Is there somewhere I can get a Mountain Dew? I’m really thirsty.”

Me: “No. Sit down.”

Judge Thomas: “Whew! No one go in the bathroom for awhile. I dropped a sulfur bomb.”

Judge  Scalia: “Sulfur bomb! Dude, that’s hilarious!”

Judge Ginsburg: “Isn’t there a 7-Eleven down the street? I really need some sugar.”

Judge Kennedy: “Kagan, move over already!”

Judge Sotomayor: “Leave her alone. You’re so mean, Kennedy.”

Judge Roberts: “Scalia, don’t think you’re off the hook. I want my fanny pack.”

Judge Scalia: “Dude, why do you even have a fanny pack? Did your mommy give that to you?”

Judge Roberts: “Shutup, man!”

I’m not gonna use any topical on any of them. Little crappers…